I Don’t Know.

“I don’t know,” seems to be a response that I am continually giving nowadays. I don’t know how to describe post-grad life. I don’t know how I feel. I just don’t know.

Life is flying by- how is it already November and I feel like yesterday was graduation? How did time fly so fast? Since graduation, a lot has happened. I’ve been teaching for 3 full months, I have been on countless road trips, I’ve made new friends, I’ve tried to stay in touch with old friends, and I’ve been adjusting to living on my own. I’ve tried to write blog posts seemingly hundreds of times, but I just found myself with a loss of purpose for the post and a lack of inspiration, even though the words were on the tip of my tongue. In this season of life, I am full of emotion yet unable to express it in any other way than, “I don’t know.” That three word phrase seems to be prevalent in my life and honestly my response to how anything is going. Everything is good, but I don’t know. It’s not that something is missing or that I’m not happy, it’s just that… I don’t know. You see? I somehow cannot express life right now in any other phrase.

I guess that it can all be summed up in this “almost blog post” that I couldn’t seem to finish…

I would say that for the majority of my life, I’ve always been on a mission to find out what’s next. Even if the “next” in unknown, part of me still tries to guess or tries to figure it out through my own reasonings. I don’t know why I always do that- maybe it’s because I crave control, maybe it’s because I hate surprises, maybe it’s because I just want my questions answered. There is something beautiful in the unknown, but regardless, I still try to figure it out. I love to personally plan and try to find out the secret will of God (New Morning Mercies). It’s like I try to understand everything in my life and what’s next.

Anyways, my friend sent me the devotional from October 3rd in New Morning Mercies and it hit. home.

“You don’t have to understand everything in your life, because your Lord of wisdom and grace understands it all.”

I am so guilty of trying to figure it all out. I want to know all of the answers. I want to know His plan for my life. I know that my plan is not my own, but I also try to play a guessing game with my life. What is going to come out of ____________ situation? Where will I be living in 5 years?

The part that I resonate with now is the word, “understand.” I don’t understand what God is doing in my life right now and I do not understand how He is working in me. I know that He is here and He is working, but some days I just feel like my world is silent. I am trying to understand myself right now, my emotions, my feelings and ultimately my life right now and what it is, but “I don’t know” is my only conclusion.

I think that it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” I think that it’s okay to not know what to think; I’m there right now. So, if you’re wondering how I’m doing or what’s up in my life, all is well, but at the same time, I don’t know.