I am scared of the future. There, I said it.
I am scared that the future won’t be what I have in mind, which is silly because I know that it most definitely will not be what I have in mind.
I have about a year left of college and that is frightening. I am nearly at my senior year of college and that’s scary. Being an adult is about to become really real, really fast.
A flurry of emotions and “what-ifs” are spreading like wildfire in my head.
What am I going to do after graduation? Will I get my masters degree? What career will I pursue- teaching or blogging? Who will I live with? What city will I live in?
I am about to have to make a bunch of big girl decisions and that scares me.
I’m not the type of person who has had a 10 year plan, a 5 year plan, or even a 1 year plan, for that matter. I’m a go with the flow kind of person, if you haven’t caught onto that. Heck, I don’t know what I’m going to be doing next week (schoolwork probably).
I’ve never really had to plan my future because it’s more or less been laid out for me. I would go to elementary school, continue onto high school, and finish up with college. The only thing is that I’ve never thought past college. College has always been the cap (ha no pun intended) on my life and my dreams. Sure, I have dreamt of starting a family and settling down, but those plans aren’t as rigid as my schooling has been.
College has always been the end all be all in my life. I’ve never thought past college.
Now that I am approaching graduation, quickly I might add, I am starting to scramble, wondering what I need to check off my list for the future.
I know what the perfect scenario would be, but let’s be honest, my plans never go according to my plan.
Ideally, I would graduate college (scary stuff!), get my Master’s degree, get a job, live in a cute apartment with my college friends in Birmingham, and then take life from there. Sounds easy enough, right?
This plan is persistently altering.
A few months ago, I said I wanted to live in Nashville. Freshman year I was contemplating Dallas. In high school, I thought I would meet my future spouse and just move wherever he found work. In middle school, I promised myself that I would live in Georgia one day because it was so beautiful. In elementary school, I saw myself living in Florida, close to the sea.
You see, my plan is continuously changing. It’s never consistent and it’s never concrete, and that’s okay.
It’s okay because God is concrete and He never changes. I know deep inside that God has my plan all worked out, without any kinks or mistakes. He has it all worked and weaved perfectly.
I have a bad habit of trying to control my future. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this on here before, but it’s for sure something I’m trying to work on. I have this habit where I try to manipulate the future to fit my needs. I try to control a situation so much that I drive myself crazy with the thoughts and the planning. Hey, that’s just something that God is trying to teach me. Trust me, I’m trying to work on it.
By trying to control my future, I have certain expectations.
Just like every other girl, I expected to come to college, find a boy to marry, like my mom (ahem), move somewhere fun, have a few kids, be a stay-at-home mom, and just bake cookies and run errands all day. Sounds like a dream, right?
I’m realizing that this little fantasy of mine is not going to live out, especially considering I don’t have any boys lined up, and I am putting so much work into becoming a great teacher. The thing is, at first I was sad that my plan wasn’t going according to its plan, because, well, I made it, so it’s gotta be perfect for me, right? Wrong once again, Sally.
Jeremiah 29:11 has always been my favorite bible verse, yet ironically, I’ve had a hard time with the future. I starting to be good and okay with my new plan, but then again, I’m making plans again.
I make plans in concrete and get upset when the concrete gets paved over with God’s work.
So silly, isn’t it? Shouldn’t I just trust in God that the future will work out all dandy and good? Well, yes, but trust is easier said than done. Trust is something learned, practiced, and implemented. While I am jumping into the future, a new type of future for myself (post-grad), I know that I have to rely on God’s word even more than ever.
So, what am I doing about it?
I am going to rely on God’s word, His truth, and trust in His plans, or at least try to. (Psalm 106:10)
I am going to journal my fears, my thoughts, my hopes and my dreams. (Job 19:10, Jeremiah 14:22)
I am going to step outside of my comfort zone both in thought and in action. (Ruth 2:13)
I am going to pray for the Lord to release the control I desire to have on my life. Instead, I pray that He would take control and that He would take the reins. (Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 23:4)
I am going to take a deep breath and remember that God always has my back. (Matthew 6:24)
I am going to remember that God knows my beginning and my end. (Isaiah 46:10, Revelation 22:13)
No matter where the future carries me, where God carries me, I can rest in the fact that He is good. No matter what happens, He is good and constant.
Y’all better have a good day today because God is good! Go perform a small act of kindness today. Make an impact on someone’s day! :)